When the child [in me] awakes

Howdy

Tonight I’ve been sitting, listening to music, and enjoying my conscious awake time. I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately, not like I don’t’ always. And most of my thoughts have been pointing to the fact that I’m at a place in my own life where I don’t care at all about the future. Not like… emo, don’t care, but like… I’d rather sit here and enjoy the present and not spend my time worrying about what will be. Perhaps this is because I know that in a few months I’ll graduate, and nothing will ever be the same, but isn’t it always that way? Life is ever-changing, ever-flowing. There’s never going to be a moment that is exactly the same as any other previous moment in all of history. And that’s enough for me to absolutely love living. I think I’m living to live. My only purpose I can find is just to live, and who knows how long that’ll work for me, hopefully forever.

I always like to think of myself as some super teen, ahead of everyone else in the way I approach life and what not. But lately I’ve started growing out of that, and realizing that I’m just me, and there’s nothing else for me to be. There are lots of things I wish I was, but really, I’m fine being me. A big problem of my character that I’ve found is I don’t ever want someone to think I’m not the best at something, but I don’t think I’m the best at anything. So it’s been weird that my competitive nature has completely enveloped my sense of myself. I’m trying to find ways to manipulate that competitive side to actually work out well for me, but I can’t honestly say if that’s possible, because I have no idea.

I want a lot of money someday. I don’t want to ever have to not get what I want…I’m selfish, and I’m ok with that because I think that as long as I’m still doing my part to help other people, it’s ok for me to get stuff to, you know? At some point in my life, I hope to write a song that some kid will take and use to define themselves as I have with so many songs in my life. But if I never write any song at all, I can easily live with that. I want to be president of the United States, because I want my voice heard, and though that’s very unlikely statistically speaking, I think I’d be perfect for the job. Again, I’d survive not ever doing that.

I think this whole thing is basically me coming to terms with the fact that I have no control over how things will happen; all I can do is keep living, and enjoying what good comes to me. While I wish I could control  various aspects of my life, I know I can’t, and I know someday I’ll have to deal with everything changing. If there’s anything in my life that’s exactly the same in 50 years, I’ll be very surprised….I don’t even want to think about 50 years from now. Strange.

I want everyone to find something to live for. I hope this inspires just one person to find why they’re living. If it does, let me know, because, while that is unlikely, it’d probably make this my favorite thing I’ve ever written.

Brokenness is what I long for

Howdy!

So this past week I spent in search of something. An unkown answer that was going to solve my emptiness. Well, that didn’t quite happen. Of course, you might think I’d call the trip a failure due to that one little detail, but it’s actually quite the opposite.

Let me try to explain. I’ve kind of been shaken more off of my faith rather than further reassured, but realizing that I have even more room to fall makes me want to strive so hard to climb. I don’t want to be content with what I can accomplish in this life, because I know it will never seem like enough to me. I know that I need something more, something beyond this stock, trying to save humanity life that every teenager plans on leading.

This week has given me the chance to help others, and to give completely up on my own needs and wants. I didn’t get to talk to my girlfriend or any of my best friends really at all, but i gained so much. I know now that there is a way to get that something else; to get beyond where I am, and even beyond where I can be.

I keep praying that God breaks me down. Just tears down my walls and strips me of all my insecurities. And in that thought, I was offered the chance to give a brief testimonial Friday night, and I feel that perhaps being forced to tell everyone where I was (even though it was just a small portion of me) that I learned where I am, and what I hope to achieve. I can’t say enough about how much that few minutes of me talking, and then the team 5 “debriefing” if you will.

It was in that small meeting that I realized, fully realized, that this has nothing to do with me. I need to be helping others. I don’t belong anywhere else in the world.

And I think that was my something missing. My faith walk, which I thought was far, has only just begun. But now I will be investigating where I’m called to go. Right now I think I’m going to write either a poem or a song, or just random words, that wrap up my emotions from Friday night’s worship. I’ll hopefully have that up here for reading purposes later. That too might be a shock because it’s not as, uplifting, i guess, as you would think a worship service would inspire, but it’s me, and I can’t control that.

Til next time,

~Patrick

Just keep where the light is

Howdy!

Well, I suppose my intro to my third site of blogging ability should be one of mass interest and glamour (although, I am quite certain that I’ll fail at reaching that goal).

 

I think that I’ll focus on the future and the present. Right now I’m sitting on an early Tuesday morning, just waiting for me to be tired enough to fall asleep. I have plenty to look forward to in the next few days including hanging out with my friends, probably some Ultimate Frisbee, and maybe even a job here soon, but mostly all I can think about is that there might be something missing. My best answer for this hole in my life is that spiritually or philosophically I am in need of refreshment. I dont’ think that at my young age I should feel I have life figured out, because I know someday it’s going to hit me.

I’m really hoping that this mission trip to Arkansas will inspire my soul to grasp for that blank spot even more so. I think this void is taking a toll on me. I hate how I’m always thinking and not thoroughly enjoying every minute of every day like I’d like to be doing. I despise my human nature which leads into wicked thinking and painful reminiscing.

However in light of all this, I’m still peachy! I’m loving my life. I wouldn’t ask for anything I have now to be different. Perhaps it’s this strange contradiction of my acceptance of myself and wanting of more but not wanting to change what I have that is giving me this strange 3 A.M. inspiration.

I guess I’ll leave it with that. I’m spiritually at rock bottom, and I’m aiming for something new and fresh. Thanks for taking the time to read this, it certainly means a lot.

 

~Patrick